“Nice guys finish last.” A burden men tell themselves, met only with the pressure women feel to “lead with likeability.” I have good news. As contradictory as these sayings are to one another, they’re both wrong.
Last week I wrapped up my book on the science of personal power. Personal power is how we see our own capability to create impact. In the book, I briefly reflect on being kind and friendly to others. Scientists call this trait Agreeableness.
Agreeableness has zero correlation to both personal power and social status.
Being nice doesn’t get you ahead in life. “Woah Chris, but I thought you said…” Wait wait. To be sure, being rude and obnoxious don’t work either. If being rude was powerful, we’d see a negative correlation with Agreeableness. Being nice or not simply has nothing to do with your ability to achieve impact.
The challenge for both men and women isn’t nice or not, it’s powerful or not. Personal power anchors us internally to our values. Conversely, when we feel powerless, we’re disconnected from our values and anxious to be liked by others.
The enduring aphorism “nice guys finish last” lives on because of the grain of truth that weakness doesn’t get us ahead in life. When we’re more concerned with what others think of us than with our own thoughts and beliefs, what can we expect? Be nice because you like someone, not because you’re afraid of them. The source of being nice makes all the difference in the world. In romantic relationships, personal power is required for mutual respect. But caring connection is equally important, so niceness is almost a necessity. Now what about the workplace?
The pressure to “lead with likeability” stems from the stereotype that others will only respect and follow you if they like you. This is flat out wrong. People will respect and follow you if they believe in your values and they believe you will help them achieve theirs. The research on Agreeableness uncorrelated to social status was true for both men and women. The most popular women don’t become popular because of their personality, they become popular because of their inner strength, conviction, and in two words, personal power.
Personal power is strongly connected to authenticity. When we’re in our power, we’re more authentic because we’re more in tune with ourselves. And when people see us as authentic, they attribute more power to us. Since Agreeableness is a personality trait, not everyone is authentically agreeable. In the workplace, being fake nice will pull you out of your power because it’s inauthentic.
As a leader, you can listen to someone, take their words into account, and guide them, all without being an overly warm person. You can be a strong person that supports them rather than a warm and fuzzy person that tries to not hurt their feelings.
Don’t get confused thinking niceness is associated with strength or weakness. It’s associated with neither. And don’t get confused thinking personal relationships and work relationships are the same. Express authentic love for the people you love at home, and be yourself supporting mutual values and goals at work.